after four months of  hiding, i guess i have collected enough  words to finally write something on this journal. it may not seem very exciting -  as if i have really written something  exciting. but anyway..

i have a new love.

i dont want to do this mushy nonsense all over again. perhaps i have just grown tired of writing letters that dont reach their supposed destination. i need some direction, not distraction. i love to kill time. but not pain myself as i do. there are real life time-wasters, not just dead stupid films. i know my thoughts are a bit disorganised at the moment. it's not cos im incapable of thinking rationally. perhaps you know me already. im just not good at handling mixed emotions.

im torn between reality and intuition.

reality is too harsh. but it's liberating. everybody knows that already.  but trusting my instincts again is much more frightening. i think this time i cant get through this alone. i need closure. i need answers. and im not putting my cards on anyone's table again.

i cant go in a battle when i dont know what the whole struggle is for.

dearest, you can play with my heart for as long as you want. but please spare my mind cos it's all i've got.