after four months of  hiding, i guess i have collected enough  words to finally write something on this journal. it may not seem very exciting -  as if i have really written something  exciting. but anyway..

i have a new love.

i dont want to do this mushy nonsense all over again. perhaps i have just grown tired of writing letters that dont reach their supposed destination. i need some direction, not distraction. i love to kill time. but not pain myself as i do. there are real life time-wasters, not just dead stupid films. i know my thoughts are a bit disorganised at the moment. it's not cos im incapable of thinking rationally. perhaps you know me already. im just not good at handling mixed emotions.

im torn between reality and intuition.

reality is too harsh. but it's liberating. everybody knows that already.  but trusting my instincts again is much more frightening. i think this time i cant get through this alone. i need closure. i need answers. and im not putting my cards on anyone's table again.

i cant go in a battle when i dont know what the whole struggle is for.

dearest, you can play with my heart for as long as you want. but please spare my mind cos it's all i've got.

it's december, my dearest. i miss you more than ever.

i wonder if you're happier now whenever you're not with me. i hope you are. cos im not. but at least it's worth everything i gave up on. so be merry like i want you to.

i have a very long christmas wish and i dont think Santa can afford them all. but i'd like a kiss from you instead.

i think im fine now.

after several days of not writing anything about anything. i finally found time to say something about what happened this week.

i saw my closest favoritest male friends again. i dont know why i feel much more comfortable when im with them. not that im having problems with my female friends from school. maybe it's just cos we have the same interests. anyway, enough about them.

back to my usual habit of writing letters and not sending them.

i miss you.  i miss you so much that i feel bad about growing farther and farther away from you. 

but just like what everybody says.. i have to give you the freedom to choose.

you dont know how much you mean to me. but i dont have the heart to heart you. do i make myself unclear? of course, i do.. always

why do i keep so much secrets?

there are things that i wouldnt want to tell you. i lie about what i really feel on certain situations. i think about you more often than usual. i dont know why. maybe im just bothered by the fact that you were unhappy. i've always wanted you to be happy. i have ignored my own needs to at least help you get the life and love you deserve. but you failed. i feel bad about it. i cant help but curse them. i curse them before i go to sleep. i wake up swearing all the time. but then again, things happen for a reason. maybe we were never really meant to be together.

i slept all day.

and when i woke up, i thought about going back to bed.

i hate that gap. strange things happen by the time i open my eyes.  sometimes, i suddenly feel abandoned by everything and everyone i have slaved for.  and then hatred attacks me again. it disappoints me when i think about how i carefully arranged my life. all my plans have gone to the trash bin called inevitability. why do things get chaotic whenever i try to be cautious?  or should i be cautious?  or am i just plain stupid?  the situation bothers me. i wonder if i even matter to those i deeply care about. what have i done to feel so insignificant? i wish i'm just getting the wrong idea.  but i'm afraid it might be the truth.

for the first time, i prefer lies.

and then i sleep again.

this is how life in a four-door apartment goes.  eventless, but never serene.

my first entry.

and it sucks. as always.

anyway.. let me tell you some things about me.

please bear with any inconsistency.. im still confused at the moment.

my name is Isolation.

and i think i have an avoidant personality disorder.  and as much as possible, i try not to think about what i really feel. i write becos i dont have exceptional verbal communication skills. i prefer gestures. eye movements. they look a lot more special. and sincere. my life is a rollercoaster with no loops. it moves fast but steady and it never goes any higher. but still, the intensity of emotions is enough to make me dizzy.

that's all for now.